You make me sick, Brisbane. You egomaniacal, ingrate bastards. Patting yourselves on the back, taking all the credit for being Campbell Newman. Credit that rightly belongs to Campbell Newman.
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You might have thought that you had something to do with being awesome and saving the city from storms and floods and things a few years back, but you’d be wrong. Campbell Newman did that. Not you or your stupid neighbour, or those bloody SES clowns who only wear these bright orange coveralls to draw attention to themselves, you know. Attention which, let's face it, should really be focused on Campbell Newman.
Campbell Newman’s the guy who got us through the Brisbane floods and got people off roof tops and everything he did. When that supercell storm smashed The Gap to splinters and my mate Keith, a pensioner with the arse out of his pants and not a buck to his name got himself across the city to help out, he did that because he was Campbell Newman.
When tens of thousands of people turned up with shovels and buckets and whatever was needed to dig the city out of the mud after that last great flood, do you know who all those people were?
Campbell Newman, that’s who.
The police officers in the rescue boats risking their lives? Yeah, you better believe they were Campbell Newman.
The tug boat men who saved the Gateway Bridge from destruction by nudging a huge section of the Riverwalk away from the pylons; I’ll wager you didn't know they were Campbell Newman too.
Amazing? Right?
How did Campbell Newman even do that, when he was so busy helping out your relatives whose house went under, looking after your kids, while you got as many possessions out of your own place as you could before the waters claimed it? How? Because he’s Campbell Newman, you fool! And as he told us himself on the weekend, "that's the sort of strong leadership you get from Campbell Newman and will continue to get from Campbell Newman…”.
You don’t get that sort of Campbelly Newmanesque leadership from people who aren’t Campbell Newman, you know. For instance, when Anna Bligh was the Premier who led the state’s response to those same massively destructive floods? She was totally Campbell Newman. And when she was finished being Campbell Newman (Yay!) and she went back to being Anna Bligh (Boo!) Campbell Newman stepped in and saved us all from her.
Because Campbell Newman is a super hero and it’s wrong that people should mock him with their stupid #SuperNewman hashtags for just doing what he does. Being awesome and telling us about it.
Honestly, sometimes I think we don’t even deserve him.
He’s so much better than us. Because he’s Campbell Newman and we’re not.
