Might I have my carbon tax refund now, Mister Nicholls? I was told I could have my carbon tax refund and I’d really like it now. The billions of moneys extorted from hard working honest fellows by that orange roughy of a PM would be smashing. I’ll certainly take that if you have it. But I’ll settle for the hundred and seventy quid the Queensland government promised me I’d save in electricity costs. It’s been a chilly winter – Take that in your face, carbon-taxing, global-warming Nazis! – and while I having been burning lots of healthful and invigorating carbon to keep warm, I thought that hundred and seventy might be well spent on a comfortable snuggie before the next coal wagon arrives.
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Oh, I have such high hopes for my hundred and seventy dollars. My life when I did not have that hundred and seventy dollars was not worth living, I can tell you.
But … but wait …
What’s that?
Queensland Treasurer Tim Nicholls says the preliminary savings, predicted by the state government “to be in ‘the tens of millions of dollars’ is good news…”
Well yes, yes it is!
“… but how that money will be returned to the public, is not yet clear.”
But … but … but …
No Tim, no!
It’s as abundantly clear as the clear and crushing consensus of peer reviewed research by my peers at Lord Murdoch's many fine journals, who have researched the number of climate scientists who are communist sleeper agents and found out it’s all of them.
There is no question of how my hundred and seventy dollars will be returned to me, Mr Treasurer. It shall be returned forthwith, sir! With all despatch and without delay, governor. Convey it hence by way of your fastest and most expedient steam packet, if needs be, Tim. My precious hundred and seventy dollars, which was so cruelly taken from me is now secured and ready to be returned thanks to the good offices of your federal colleagues. It is not clear to me, my good man, why my pants are not this very moment aflame with the enormous hole said dollars should be burning in the pockets right now!
So, please, return them tout de suite, mon capitan du treasurie!
Wait!
What say you, sir?
Not only will you not be returning my purloined folding stuff, you’ll be putting your hand even deeper into my pocket – which remains not at all ablaze with money shaped burning holes – and extracting yet more?
God’s bollocks to this, sir. Do you extract the urine with this outrage?
What’s this I hear of my hundred and seventy dollars – Yes, mine sir. Not yours, must I remind you? Yes, apparently I must! – what is this I hear of you putting my money toward the retirement of your debt?
You are quoted in the electronical papers this very day sir as saying, “We don’t want to keep tax payers money any longer than we have to, so as soon as we can, we will be looking to pay that down.”
But what of the hundred and seventy dollars you promised to pay down to my good self sir! If it be true that you would not wish to hold onto this money for a second longer than is necessary then let me assure you that you may ‘pay the balance down’ to me this very day. Indeed, I cannot imagine any reason why you would not. Were we not told, indeed warned in the severest of terms, that to rake such moneys from the economy would destroy it utterly?
We were, sir! We were were warned by you and your colleagues to be heedful of this very matter.
So you might understand, Mister Treasurer, why I am unsettled to discover you have no intention of crossing my palm with my own silver. I had thought we had an understanding.
I had thought you a man of your word, sir. Not the sort of cove to have his way with a giddy and excited fellow in the privacy of the ballot box and then pretend to all the world as if nothing of the sort happened, as though no promises were made.
You make of yourself a hound, sir. A duplicitous hound.
But a hundred and seventy quid would set you straight. I shall expect you man with my monies at the earliest convenience.
