Last Thursday morning I sat reclined in the make-up chair listening, eyes closed, to the latest on the morning's raids - the largest counter-terror operation in Australian history.
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I was about to spend several hours as fifth panelist live on Network Ten's Studio 10.
The show had been set to feature Apple's latest iPhone and a glitter cannon in celebration of the excellent Angela Bishop's 25th year at the network, but the shocking revelations of a foiled attack were going to throw some spanners in the rundown.
While the make-up artist concealed my eye bags, journalists revealed rumours of plans for a random public beheading.
Suddenly, my sternum was heavier in my chest. My mind illustrated a series of graphic day-mares that even the deepest breath failed to erase.
A mum flicking through photos of her kids one on the train to work. A man in a suit and tie getting his groceries. Nurses in hospitals. Runners in parks. Surfers on beaches. Our people.
"And…open," said the make-up artist, fanning her work.
I opened my eyes to a darker place. The week prior, the heightened alert level didn't seem that real, but now I understood the words, "likely but not imminent".
How blessed Australians are that this fear is so foreign to us. How blessed we have been to switch on the radio and have to wait for the traffic report - not the national security report - to hear the familiar names of streets and suburbs.
Last week was a sad reminder to every Australian people the world over live with an exhausting dread every single day. They know no different. Their children duck when cars backfire. They grow up knowing the safest nooks for shelter and security in their own kitchen. For them, peace is a nice concept, not a plausible reality.
On Saturday morning, before the rain, I took my daughter and dog for a walk to the park. As we neared it, behind the trees, I saw two grown men with swords. I stopped, without thinking, and scooped my little one into my arms. My heartbeat steadied as I realised they were fencers with jousting sticks, something that would have made me laugh and make The Castle references a week ago.
I don't want to let this news of crazy extremists in our midst change things. I want life to keep being a happy medley of new phones, glitter cannons and traffic reports. I don't want to let it terrify me, but it has.
