The stunner

The Fox Sports studio guys' intimations that we'd more or less witnessed the greatest event in Earth's history were perhaps just a little coloured by the elation of the moment. But Iran v Iraq – full time, extra time, penalties, celebrations, and movie and stage musical versions to follow – did manage to more than occupy the attention for its entire run-time. 

This was a significant achievement, as, one way or another, it ran for approximately the duration of a Peter Jackson-directed, full-length movie adaptation of the Shanghai telephone directory. With the teams tied up at three goals apiece going to penalties, even Alfred Hitchcock would have been stumped for making it more suspenseful. But then they handled even that challenge suavely, each missing the first penalty. For ratcheting things up to head-popping pressure, that wasn't a bad little wrinkle.

The snoozer

Despite Jim Courier's now heritage-listed portrayal – if not embodiment – of the famous Herman Munster-coined technical expression "water-cooler Casanova" it may be time to give the courtside interview a merciful knock on the cranium. First the interviewer comes out and gushes and the player looks embarrassed, then the player, sweating bullets and heaving for breath, says absolutely nothing of significance, does his impression of a well-drilled primary school kid thanking his hosts for the lovely event, and then we all look embarrassed. The courtside interview only amuses tennis court attendees, who are also captivated by face paint, chanting and Henri Leconte. Quite frankly, some confetti, bubble-wrap and a lollipop would just about hold them for the day.

The yak attack

After all this time to so little effect, the media powers that be must realise that the standard pre-Australian Open drivel stampede about the rampaging field Aussie hopefuls ready to grab success by the scruff of the neck and give it an almighty towelling, bounces straight off the electorate's heads like news of a new art gallery exhibition. However, what the public must acknowledge is that, for many years, the only time the media could possibly get away with stories like that is, indeed, before the tournament starts.

How far the cherry?

Of eight knockout stage matches, the breakdown went: Melbourne 1; Brisbane 1; NSW/ACT 6. Quite some national event, the Asian Cup of NSW/ACT.

Bozo of the week

The Asian Cup matches have done tournament and sport every possible favour, with two exceptions – the faking and the dithering. The players and managers fluffing around doing nothing during entirely manufactured downtime in the Iran-Iraq game seemed to add centuries to the process. A significant amount of this came from Iranian goalkeeper Haghighi lollygagging around on the turf for several years clutching his head – apparently working up a campaign for next year's Golden Globe Awards – following what replays seemed to show was, if anything, a mild whoopsie to the forearm region. Classy.

Reader feedback

"Michael Hussey told us this week that New Zealand and Sri Lanka were 'perennially good at World Cups. Well they would certainly make the final in the three of the four years it isn't held. Meanwhile, James Brayshaw reckons that 'everything Steve Smith has touched this season has turned into liquid gold (sic)'. Probably nothing to do with any beer sponsorship."

- B.J. Coyle, East Ballina

(Send feedback to: leapso@hotmail.com)