Feeling glum with no Sydney side to support this week? Never fear. Here is your all-encompassing guide to acting out every NRL fan's dream this week: being a Queenslander!
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How to dress
Live near the coast? Singlet and boardshorts. Live away from the coast? Singlet and King Gees, light coloured of course. Black King Gees for formal occasions. Aforementioned dress code usually covers all bases, but replace singlet with a T-shirt for formal occasions (eg. sister's wedding to your first cousin). Cowboy hat optional, but black thongs essential for formal occasions.
What to eat and drink
XXXX Gold. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. For the adventurous, add banana in the mornings. Another banana at lunch. And add Bundaberg Rum as aperitif before a dinner of Lady Flo's pumpkin scones.
Degree of difficulty: Low (you're being a Queenslander, remember)
Ingredients
1 tbs butter, 1/2 cup sugar, 1/4 tsp salt, 1 egg,1 cup mashed pumpkin (cold), 2 cups self-raising flour
Method
Beat together butter, sugar and salt with electric mixer till light and fluffy.
Add egg, then pumpkin and stir in the flour.
Turn dough onto a floured board and cut into circles.
Place on a tray on the top shelf of a very hot oven (225-250c) for 15-20 minutes.
Remove from oven, allow to cool and serve with butter and XXXX Gold.
How to speak
Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate. Add to end of all sentences.
How to tell the time
Strap a watch to each wrist, one for Queensland time and the other for Queensland time. Two watches (or heads) are usually better than one. Ensure date is not set to 2015 ... 1995 will do. Hire strobe lights. Install in home and ensure they are in full effect at 4.30am to replicate sunrise in summer. Try going back to sleep.
How to shop
With no shoes. The supermarket aisle is always much better when felt with bare skin. Take multiple credit cards. The one that reached its limit three years ago, the one that reached its limit two years ago, the one that reached its limit last year, and the current one. Add Centrelink cheque in case of emergency. Get out of your car when idling up to bowser at petrol station. Lean on the back of it. Make meaningless small talk in the hope attendant will appear to fill up your tank. Disregard abuse from 12 other drivers queuing up behind you.
How to travel
Only with taxi drivers wearing black King Gees. Light-coloured King Gee drivers aren't taking their job seriously enough. In case of dearth of taxis, find rivercat and charter it down Georges River underneath Alfords Point Bridge. Experience will be comparable to passing Story Bridge. To channel north Queensland natives, point out flotsam and jetsam and say it is crocodiles. Then tell friends after XXXX at breakfast you feel like swimming with them. If all else fails, search for a horse and cart. Make sure horse goes first.
What sports to play
Cane toad racing. Cane toad golf. Cane toad tennis. Cane toad footy. Add cane toad to any sport. Never ending fun.
How to live
On stilts. Hire some for a week. Install underneath house. Cower in the corner as afternoon sprinkle of rain threatens to flood home. Insure commemorative Wally Lewis hair strand bought in 1992, one of limited edition of 30. Remember not to keep in garage. Sprinkle cane toads in backyard for maximum experience.
How to spell
Start with the current Premier. Most difficult name in Australian politics. J-O-H B-J-E-L-K-E P-E-T-E-R-S-E-N. Once mastered spelling, channel how Premier acts. Hire over-the-top security, sit there and do nothing for 20 years and watch popularity soar. Learn new words. R-O-Y-A-L C-O-M-M-I-S-S-I-O-N.
