Let's start by acknowledging that it's been a rollercoaster of a week for Shane Warne. First up he had to endure watching a man whom he'd labelled "a dick" in March take out the Gold Logie at Sunday Night's celebrations. It's just lucky for Shane that his face is unable to convey anything other than mild surprise these days, so there was no chance he'd get caught looking disappointed at Waleed's win.

But according to reports, Shane was also left sad after a night out in Geelong. Now I know what you're thinking; what kind of night out in Geelong doesn't leave a person feeling sad? But as Shane tells it, he was heading back to Brynne Edelsten's house at about 1am for a "nightcap", when he discovered that the paparazzi had been tipped off, and were waiting for him.

This would have been highly inflammatory for Shane, considering he'd already confirmed earlier that week that he was going to "F--- The Age", and wouldn't want to have been seen as cheating. Bernard Tomic has also sustained his position in the headlines this week after Kitty Chiller, Australian Olympic chef de mission, made it very clear that she was not a fan of Tomic's recent behaviour in Madrid and raised the question of whether he and Nick Kyrgios would be welcome in the Olympic Team. Given that this is the same team that may very well have welcomed Grant Hackett back into its fold, I'd say that's a pretty big slam.

However, Tomic nipped the issue in the bud when he announced on Friday that he'd made a "difficult decision". Initially I thought this meant he'd finally chosen the colour of his next BMW (orange, again). But no, it's that he'll not be putting himself up for consideration to be part of this year's Rio 2016 team. Or to put it another way: "You can't fire me! I quit."

Chiller, chef de something something, did make an official statement on Tomic's departure late in the week, however it was quite difficult to hear over an inexplicable amount of cheering and several curiously loud renditions of Kool and The Gang's Celebration, which repeated no less than 15 times. That said, we assume Kitty is very upset, and had no idea where the balloons came from.

While we're on Rio 2016, issues surrounding the much-hyped Zika virus have taken a turn for the steamy, as Dr. David Hughes, our Olympic team doctor and most beloved comedian, attempted to alleviate any panic. Dr. Hughes has reminded athletes that they should be safe so long as they avoid mosquitos and male bodily fluids – both of which I assume from this statement could come flying at them at any time.

The use of a giant fly-swatter has been suggested to all athletes, not to mention "barrier contraception", which in this case I hope means a literal wall. Athletes will also be comforted by the numerous condom dispensing machines said to be placed around the village, although I prefer it if my creepy free contraception wasn't being stored where, if inebriated, I might go for a can of coke.

And in even stranger tennis news, Serena Williams this week got through to the quarter-finals of the Italian Open despite feeling sick after eating her dog's food. Yes that's right; she actually ate her dog's food. Which is the sort of weird move you'd expect from someone like me, a comedian, rather than a world-renowned athlete who isn't in the arts and can therefore afford NOT to eat DOG FOOD. But on the bright side, Chum have allegedly approached Serena's people about a major sponsorship deal, though her camp is also courting offers from Schmackos, over which Serena is said to have gone somewhat "whacko".

And finally, to the netball, where it's looking likely that Australia will get three brand-spanking new teams next year, one of which will be bankrolled by Collingwood football club. I'm going to be honest, if the Pies keep supporting women's sport and losing to Carlton like this, they may very well become my second favourite team.

And although we're still awaiting confirmation, it's also looking highly likely that the Nine Network may begin screening weekly netball games in a primetime slot. My only concern is in order to fit in thematically with other prime-time selections, netballers may soon find themselves at best marrying strangers or at worst, kidnapping them.

So there you have it. If there's one thing we've learned, it's that sport has been very weird lately. So with that in mind, I'm assuming Carlton will win their fourth game in a row on Sunday. I look forward to our inevitable and unprecedented rise to the Grand Final, where we'll win 100-0, and Murph will get carried onto the field holding the cup like the kid from the Old El Paso taco ads. And yes, the cup will dispense condoms.