He doth appear before the People's Court on two charges.

The first is that he dideth, or at least just mighteth have, allegedly-eth, wilfully-eth and grievously-eth been-eth a party to rorting the salary cap system, by accepting secret payments.

Your honour, I appear for Hayne on this matter, and would like to say to those prosecuting, to – I am reaching for the correct legal expression, oh, I remember – "Get nicked!"

It is one thing for the club to have to abide by the salary cap rules, such as they are, and we will let the Parramatta club explain themselves on that count to the NRL. The point is that how clubs sort themselves out vis a vis that cap is a matter for them and them alone. It is not for the players to get involved, one way or t'other. And even if Hayne and his manager Wayne Beavis did suspect, or know, that the payments were contrived to rort the salary cap system, so what? I put it to the court they are simply trying to get what every other bastard in our brown and pleasant land gets – their fair shake, their market worth. How many of the rest of us would accept a system that contrives – in what I, and even many legal beagles, believe is an illegal cartel of employers agreeing to pay their employees less than they are worth – to pay us 50 per cent of what we are actually worth? I wouldn't. You wouldn't. Why should Hayne? And why should all the other NRL players across so many clubs, who we all know, do exactly the same! (The difference is, those other clubs probably have a legal genius on board who says, "You know what? Let's NOT write down our detailed deliberations on dodgy deals? You can call me the leading legal light of our land if you like, but I am guessing it might come back to bite us, you know?")

Case dismissed.

Next charge, please!

This one is a bit more problematic. It runs that by abandoning the San Francisco 49ers the way Hayne did, only to go after a position on the Fijian sevens team, is a BIT BLOODY MUCH.

If it please the court, I'd like to appear for the prosecution on this'un.

First up, I am with those who say Hayne is very unlikely to make it in the first place. (And I would remind the court that when I said the same on his chances of making even a minute of a 49ers game I finished with so much soggy half-warm egg on my face, I could have  opened a boarding house dining room.) I'm with Rebecca Wilson, with her expressed views on Sky on Tuesday night, that you must bear in mind that with his helmet on for the 49ers, and men coming at him, in the last year Hayne has run just 155 yards, call it 150 metres in the new money.  He has played about 10 minutes. To go from that to thinking he can take his place in the foremost rugby sevens side in the world – reliant on superhuman fitness for starters, to cover at least 1.7 kilometres in just 14 minutes of every game, would seem naive. There is also the matter of him learning to play in the space of just a few weeks, the way the Fijians play, which is not quite of this world. True, the way Hayne runs with the ball is not quite of this world either, but – and here's the point – they are different worlds. And we haven't even started on learning how to defend, playing against a system of attack Hayne will never have seen before!

But, here's the thing Your Honour.

Even if I am wrong on this, and Hayne once again makes the side – "Eggs Benedict, anyone?" – I say it is STILL a bit bloody much! For it will mean that some poor bastard in Fiji who has been dreaming of his selection for the past seven years or so, who was in all likelihood counting on his selection to lift his family's financial boat in the water ... will miss out. He's been building towards this for all that time, only to lose his spot to Jarryd-Come-Lately! He's been hauling his way up to the top of the Everest represented by becoming a Fijian with an Olympic gold medal  ... only to be blown off his feet by the same Jarryd-Come-Lately landing by helicopter, just a stone's thrown from the summit! Does that seem right to you?

Beyond all that, is it right that bloke get left behind in favour of one who didn't visit there till he was in 20s, and has said the reason he is not going to go after a spot in the Australian sevens team is because, "they didn't ask me".

Not because he loves Fiji, loves the team, wants to wear that jersey, but because his first preference was not available!

Your Honour I submit that when all this is considered the case is proven, and it is, indeed, a BIT BLOODY MUCH!

I urge you to impose the maximum penalty: six years, playing for the Roosters, without the option. If you really want to go hard on him, send him to the Knights.

The prosecution rests.

Twitter: @Peter_Fitz