You little people must understand that at the level these things are done, it's very much a "Secret Squirrel," arrangement and you lot couldn't even begin to get it.

Look, I am not even happy for you to ask what my client thinks of the President-elect. But ...  alright ... just this once and just because, the story has SOMEHOW leaked – Greg and I will never know from where – I will let my client write a little about it, in all humility, in Newsweek.

But don't tell anyone! So go on, Greg, you may as well start with how, while the rest of the world – including the candidate himself – was clearly completely STUNNED at the Trump victory against all odds, you saw it coming all along.

Oh, and throw in how President Barack Obama, the master global politician of his age, had no idea about how to help Hillary Clinton, but you could see that clearly, too. You could have told Obama, if he'd just asked you, but he never did. Fool. Go on, now. Tell 'em.

"I ... told Donald ... 10 days before the election, that he was going to win. Obama's messaging was wrong and just reinforced that those wanting change would get it with Clinton. In other words, the problem was not the problem – the attitude to the problem was the problem."

That clear? Great. Me, neither. But I told you: Secret Squirrels get it, and that is the whole point. That kind of talk makes perfect sense to those who are presidents, or who have won two majors or more.

But, go on, Greg, because it will give the Australian media paroxysms of pleasure, you can also give the little Australians a little bit of insight into just how often you are in touch with the President-elect and how you most certainly don't think he is a misogynistic thug, a bellicose bully who boasts of how he forces himself on women.

Take it away, son, and don't forget to try to imply that you can barely get the next President of the USA off the blower, as he clearly has nothing better to do than share his plans with you.

"I have spoken to Donald on numerous occasions since the election and I think he will surprise many with what he will do with the presidency, but not himself. He has a clear vision."

We know. He's going to build a Wall! And stop the Mexicans! And the Muslims! But ... say, Greg, could you talk a little of what the Australian leader thinks of all this?

"I will say that I have spoken to the Prime Minister of Australia, Malcolm Turnbull, and he is on board with wanting to see President-elect Trump succeed. I think and hope that is the position of most of the world's leaders."

Oh, come on Greg, you don't just "think and hope" that, 'Fess up, man. You KNOW that.

Vladimir Putin and Theresa May are in your ear every other day, and Kim Jong-un has you on speed-dial.

All the world leaders want to talk to you all the time. Why wouldn't they? If you're not the most extraordinarily well-connected booger who's ever lived, I don't know who is.

And thanks, mightily, for sharing just a little of that with us, because I know it goes against your grain.

King of the arena: Conor McGregor. Photo: AP

AMEN TO THAT

This is straight from the files, of "I wish I'd said that, Oscar," and was written on Wednesday by Jonathan Liew of the London Daily Telegraph: "UFC has all the trappings and visual cues of an elite sport, it must be an elite sport, rather than a bestial cultural excrement more suited to the stairwell of a multi-storey car park.

"UFC is sadism under the guise of artistry, male fantasy under the guise of human empowerment, textbook capitalism under the guise of proletarian rebellion. It teaches that victory exonerates any depravity."

I did in fact say that, many times, just not nearly as eloquently as Mr Liew.

FREE JERSEYS

What's doing with the Wallabies? ELEVEN changes, in a side that has won the last two Tests? All when playing that cruellest of combinations, the French team, on French soil. I know, I know, coach Michael Cheika has forgotten more about rugby than I will ever know, and presumably knows what he is doing. But I STILL don't get it. What on earth was said to the blokes who so wonderfully beat both Wales and Scotland on the trot? Thanks, but you could have done more?
"We wanted to give the lads some experience," Cheika explained. Fair enough. But not in Test jerseys!

RUN PLUGGER, RUN

Where are you, Tony Lockett?

I'm calling you out. You will recall, mate, the Herald Half-Marathon in the year 2000, how you and I spied each other at the starting line and without a word coming out of mouths jointly came to exactly the same conclusion: "Well, I might be left behind by most of this mob of greyhounds, but I at least have to be able to beat that fatty." You will recall us passing each other many times in the course of the race, and how, with 100 metres to go, you looked behind you, saw me, and ran like a scalded cat, to beat me by about ten seconds. We both came in around two hours nine minutes. It still bugs me that you beat me. I have lost a third of my body weight in recent times, am now ten kilograms lighter than in 2000, when I was 117kgs, and so I am going to have another go in May next year. Will you join me? If you think you're too big to run now, I did, too, but have worked out how to lose the weight – stop the sugar, stop the grog, and get your arse moving. I have, funny you should say that, released a book on it. The Great Aussie Bloke Slim-Down, out last Thursday. Want me to send you copy? Hope to see you at the starting line, on Sunday 21 May, 2017. I want to crack two hours 9 minutes, and two hours, if I can. And beat you.

WHAT THEY SAID

Steve Smith after the fifth loss on the trot: "I'm embarrassed to be sitting here to be honest with you. Too many times we've lost wickets in clumps. 8-32 today, 10-85 in the first innings ... It's happening way too consistently for my liking. We're not being resilient, we're not willing to tough it out and get through tough periods. Right now it's not good enough. I am hurting."

Smith again: "I need players that are willing to get in the contest and get in the battle and have some pride in playing for Australia and pride in the baggy green. That's what I need. At the moment it's not good enough and I'm quite sick of saying it to be honest with you. It's happened five Tests in a row."

Rod Marsh channelling Donald Trump: "I wish the captain, coach and the team all the best going forward. We will be great again." TAXXXXXI!

Darren Lehmann on whether the display of the Australian team in the first innings in Hobart could be construed as a "crisis": "When you get bowled out for 85 it probably is." 

Robert Allenby lines up a putt on the 6th green at Royal Sydney this week. Photo: Getty Images

Robert Allenby on his times and misdemeanours, and the media's coverage: "Good doesn't sell. S--- sells ... Do I like to have a good time? Hell yeah. I'm not different to anyone else. Everyone does it. The funny thing is, there are only four or five incidents over 45 years of my life but they are, apparently, the ones people want to use to paint a picture of Robert Allenby." Yes, Mr Allenby. We talk of little else.

Jobe Watson on giving back the drug-tainted 2012 Brownlow medal: "The basic principle behind this prestigious award is to honour the fairest and best. If there is a question in people's minds as to whether the 2012 award is tainted, the fairest and best thing to do is to give it back and honour the history that has gone before me."

Rich Ball, son of Mabel, after the 108-year-old Chicago Cub fan died days after the team finally recaptured the World Series: "The cruel irony, the almost unbelievable irony, is that the person who waits and waits and waits, after it happens, says: 'I've done what I've got to do, and I'm out of here'. It ain't funny, but it's funny."

San Antonio Spurs coach Gregg Popovich on the Trump election: "I'm a rich white guy, and I'm sick to my stomach thinking about it. I can't imagine being a Muslim right now, or a woman, or an African-American, a Hispanic, a handicapped person. How disenfranchised they might feel. And for anyone in those groups that voted for him, it's just beyond my comprehension how they ignore all of that. My final conclusion is, my big fear is – we are Rome."

Popovich on whether the Holt family, who own the San Antonio Spurs – and are strong Trump supporters and donors – have given their blessing for his outspoken comments: "No, [the Holts] haven't given me that freedom. I live in America. That's what has given me that freedom."

Eddie Jones after England beat the Springboks for the first time since 2006, with the final score of 37-21: "We're pleased with the result. Having not beaten South Africa for 10 years, to win by that scoreline today is fantastic."

Lachlan Coote on playing rugby league for Scotland: "I've played in grand finals and this is right up there. No one rated us. We changed in broom closets. They had to move the broom and the vacuum cleaner out to get the Scotland team in."

Featherweight UFC champion Conor McGregor after knocking out Eddie Alvarez, becoming the first fighter in UFC history to claim UFC championships in two weight classes: "I'd like to take this chance to apologise ... to absolutely nobody. The double champ does what he wants ..."

"We're all using the word 'crisis' today. When you've got no one with fresh drinking water in Aleppo, you need to get some perspective back." Cate McGregor, cricket writer and broadcaster, about the current Australian cricket woes.

Loving life: England coach Eddie Jones. Photo: Getty Images

Team of the Week

Australian cricket team. Lost five of its last five Tests.

Eddie Jones. Ten Test wins with England from ten starts.

Sydney FC. Open the season with six from six.

Wallabies. Squeaked by Scotland, now onto Paris to take on the French.

Sam Mitchell and Trent Cotchin. Joint winners of the 2012 Brownlow Medal after Essendon's Jobe Watson handed his back, because of the drug saga.

Adam Voges. Averages 162 against New Zealand and West Indies and 22 against everyone else.

Socceroos. Dropped vital points in Bangkok as they were held to a draw by Thailand.

Laurie 'Truck' Sams. After six months, riding his bike through six countries – starting in Hanoi – the one-legged Vietnam veteran, suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder – will arrive on the steps of the Sydney Opera House at 9am tomorrow. He has done it to raise awareness for PTSD sufferers and veteran suicide. Bravo.

Twitter: @Peter_Fitz