For example, when Bernard Tomic played Victor Estrella Burgos at the Australian Open, it was essential that background colour was supplied for Estrella Burgos, specifically that he was 36, and from the Dominican Republic.

In case anyone watching failed to conjure with the vital nature of this information, it was re-supplied what seemed like the odd 80 or 90 times, before the match and with punishingly regular updates during play, seemingly lest anyone suspect either his age or nationality were subject to wild fluctuations.

Perhaps someone back at "the channels of Seven" was labouring under the delusion that there would be a test on these facts later, and we needed to be prepared for it. It's as likely an explanation as any.

Anyway, a couple of hours of this brutal verbal water torture made the match seem much longer than it was, to the extent that perhaps viewers did believe that Estrella Burgos – who is from the Dominican Republic, one gathers – had aged a year or more during its progress, and possibly themselves as well.

Another such protocol was rigorously observed in a match earlier that afternoon, which, going by the commentators' descriptions, was billed as Nick v Seppi.

Nick was Nick Kyrgios, a great Austrayan​ tennis hope of his time, and thus considered to be a person of indisputable familiarity to all viewers, meaning that use of his surname is apparently largely superfluous.

Seppi, who also occasionally goes by the description "The Italian" it seems, was referred to as "Andreas" a small handful of times during proceedings – mostly by Jim Courier, who, through no fault of his own, is not Austrayan. One gathered Andreas must be his first name (i.e. Seppi's, not Courier's) when he's not playing on the tennis circuit in Austraya.

We were informed that the match was "entirely in Nick's hands" (Courier), that he "has so much upside (Courier), that he might have lost this match or that one recently, but "he's invested here" (Basil Zempilas), that Seppi had his work cut out because "You can't bully Nick around" (Roger Rasheed), and, slightly mystifyingly, that Nick insists on regular adjustments to his hair every few days "so the look is sharp" (Big Baz again).

(It seems unlikely that, say, Roger Federer or Andy Murray put quite that level of concentration into their hairstyling, although they have somehow contrived to sustain reasonably good careers despite this inexplicable oversight.) One gathered that The Italian was mainly present to make up the numbers, and so the kids around the court didn't have to retrieve the balls and run them back to Nick every time he hit one.

This seemed an unnecessary precaution. Many of Kyrgios' matches seem like what used to be termed American doubles. Nick plays both his opponent and himself. It doesn't always work out so well.