"Gentlemen," the undertaker took the matter in hand, "Line yourself up like a short lineout, and we'll put Mr Allan down the middle."

Things were sorted out within seconds, and the flying centre was borne high on the shoulders of the Wallaby forwards, once more, as in days of yore.

A scene poignantly reminiscent of that took place at the same crematorium last Wednesday, at the funeral of Daniel Vickerman. Under the tragic circumstances, the coffin his former teammates were so deeply honoured to be asked to bear was always going to be a heavy load - both emotionally and physically. Milling at the back of the hearse, Brendan Cannon, Richard Bell, Jeanot Boutry, David Lyons, Chris Malone and David Fitter were also momentarily unsure as to who should do what.

"Which end is the heaviest?" Brendan Cannon asked the undertaker, who indicated it was at the front of the coffin as it was to be removed from the hearse. Right, then.

"Canno' and I will take the heavy load," breathed David Fitter, former Wallaby prop, and tight-head of the famed Sydney University 2005 premiership-winning side with Cannon as hooker and Daniel Vickerman, the pillar of the pack, the one who locked between them.

"'Canno'," Fitter continued, "you go left, I will go right side, and for one last time we can have the 'Big V' between us."

And so it went, as they quickly lined up accordingly, with the others in tight behind, as the once immoveable right side of the scrum of the triumphant Varsity team of 2005 was complete once more, the warrior borne to his rest on the shoulders of his brethren.

We weep.

Who is this?

There are things that come out of Melbourne that I just don't get. One of them is Mick Gatto. Who is this bloke, apart from "a colourful identity," and "underworld figure", that the media fawn over him so? Who is he that, it is even conceivable that a football club might engage him, as two former employees of Essendon credibly claim, and Gatto confirms against management denials, to help solve their problems over the supplements scandal? The equivalent would have been Cronulla asking for the likes of Roger Rogerson to see if he could sort out their own problems four years ago. Even in the bad old days, Cronulla would never have done that, and it is inconceivable that an NRL club would think the solution might lie with such figures. (And yes, I know you are thinking of Eddie Hayson popping up in so many league scandals, but Hayson is hardly underworld, and it is not as if any clubs would think he might be the solution to the problems, in any case.)

So who, at Essendon approached Gatto, Sam Newman asked the man himself, yesterday?

"It wouldn't be very professional of me to divulge that," Gatto replied.

What?

Very "professional" of you? What is your profession? Tell us. As to all your posturing of being an underworld heavy - the theatrical swagger, the cigar, the mimicry of an extra on the Godfather, all the carry-on - can I suggest that genuine "heavies" would gnaw their knuckles off rather than willingly appear on television, instead of clearly being ready to crawl across cut-glass to get on the tube, as you appear to?

The whole thing is weird. Melbourne weird.

Bowled over

There's a joke going around at Cricket NSW on the back of all the wickets in the first two Tests in India being taken by NSW bowlers Mitch Starc, Josh Hazlewood, Steve O'Keefe and Nathan Lyon:

Q: What do you call a cricketer from a state other than NSW?

A: A fieldsman.

League is back

The first round of the NRL season?

Oddly enough, saw just about every game, and enjoyed it.

Here, thus, without fear or favour is the news: Forget Manly, Souths, Penrith and Canterbury. They just don't have the oomph to crack it wide open this year, particularly Penrith who, despite their sometimes dazzling backs, just don't have enough big men crashing through.

Mark down the Roosters, the Tigers and the Raiders as most likely to fire throughout the season, even though the Raiders lost at the death to the Cowboys. On that subject, the capacity of Johnathan Thurston to triumph in tight games has to be the greatest in the history of the world, doesn't it? Every single time! Golden point! Seconds to go! Who does the ball go to? Thurston! What does he do with the ball? Something stunning! What happens? His team wins. Again! Meantime, the most mystifying even of that first round was the treatment of Souths best player, Greg Inglis. We've heard all kinds of explanations but the simple fact is, Inglis was demonstrably, unequivocally, badly hurt. You don't need either a medical degree or a coaching certificate to know that the right thing to do was to get him off the field immediately, and the fact that that didn't happen is a major failing, and the direct responsibility of the coach Michael Maguire.

What They Said

Andrew Voss commentating on Fox Sport, as the Raiders' Shannon Boyd wiped out the Cowboys' Ethan Lowe with a huge, legal tackle: "What a tackle by Boyd! The human eclipse came across, and the lights went out, below . . ."

Steve Smith describing his decision on Tuesday to look for guidance from the dressing room on the Decision Review System, after being dismissed in his side's 75-run defeat to India: "It was a brain-fade on my behalf."

Indian captain Virat Kohli, when asked if the word he didn't want to mention in his remarks about Steve Smith was "cheating": "I didn't say that, you did."

The redoubtable Michael Ennis, on MMM's Deadset Legends: "I thought [the Titans] were in a really good place. They found out who they were and were heading in the right direction and since the injection of Jarryd Hayne last year, I think they've gone backwards."

The Eels' Corey Norman, after being instrumental in putting Manly to the sword: "Yeah, no, it was a physical game . . . yeah, no we were a bit rusty like we thought we'd be. Yeah, no, Manly's got a good defensive system . . . Yeah, no, Brad Arthur's been relaxed, surprisingly."

Brisbane Lions coach Chris Fagan on former captain, Tom Rockliff: "His brand is in a much healthier place right now than what it is was five or six months ago."

Mick Fanning returning to the professional surfing tour: "It was nice to have 2016 off somewhat and decompress but I'm excited to put the singlet on again."

Des Hasler on speculation that his contract may not be extended at the Canterbury Bulldogs: "Fake news. Yeah, that'd be right." Maybe. But with two bad losses in the first two matches for the Bulldogs, Des does need some wins, soon.

The patron saint of drug cheats Lance Armstrong: "But the way I acted, the vehement denials and the way I went about defending myself . . . the ultimate Lance Armstrong torture is put him in front of a laptop, pull up YouTube and make him watch some of those press conferences . . . Just such a dick. The way I acted was by far the worst part."

Armstrong: "EPO is what changed the game . . . I wanted to win and I wanted to be the best. I knew I needed a knife as I was going into a knife fight. EPO was so powerful. You get a little EPO in your life . . . it was wow. We had a choice and we made that choice. Nearly everyone made that choice as well."

Bayern Munich's Twitter account trolled Arsenal after a pair of 5-1 thrashings: "What time is it? Yep, it's ten to!"

Daniel Ricciardo tries to avoid the television news: "I am definitely a positive person. Do I need to know that someone was murdered? No." If he's lucky, he might not know that there is now a President Trump.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic on an incident on the field: "What happens on the field stays on the field. I'm not someone who attacks someone off the field. I went for the ball and it was unlucky he jumped into my elbow. But it was nothing on purpose. I hope he's not injured. I didn't know about the stamping on the head; if it was him it was him." Your Honour, after he jumped into my elbow, he threw his head under my foot!

John Ross could have won an island at the NFL combine after breaking a record that was offering one for doing so but wasn't interested: "I can't swim that well. And I don't own a boat."

All Black legend Dan Carter, after being charged with drink-driving, in Paris: "I will have to now let the police/court process run its course and face the consequences. I am just glad no one was harmed. Sorry."

Team of the Week

Ash Barty. The rising Australian tennis player won her first WTA Tour title.

Shane van Gisbergen. Won the opening race of the Supercars Championship season, the Clipsal 500, that race which I think is the Melbourne thingammy. (Nah, just kidding. I KNOW it is the Adelaide thingammy! Incommmmmming!)

Sydney FC. Victory over the Victory virtually assures them of the Premiers Plate. I gather they have had a great season, and coach Graham Arnold has done well.

Greg Inglis. To miss six months of the season with an ACL injury. Leaving him out there after he was so clearly injured was staggering.

Perth Wildcats. Won the NBL title.

Andrew Bogut. Less than a minute into his debut with the Cavs broke his leg. And there goes another season.

Riverview. This Monday are holding their annual charity cricket match, this year to raise funds for an Indigenous Primary School in Redfern called Jarjum College. Players include Adam Goodes, Simon Katich, Monty Panesar, Jason Krejza, Jason Little and Phil Waugh. You can help Jarjum, here.

RIP Jack Purtell. Three-time Melbourne Cup-winning jockey passed away at the age of 95. Purtell began his riding career in 1936 and won around 1700 races including Melbourne Cups aboard Hiraji (1947), Wodalla (1953) and Rising Fast (1954).

RIP. Harvey "Banger" Gordon. The beloved figure of Sydney Uni AFL circles, a long-time stalwart of the club as property manager since 1986, had a cardiac arrest at training last week, and passed away the next day. Effectively, the 79-year-old "died with his boots on", and will be long remembered by all those who knew, and played with him. Vale.

Twitter @Peter_Fitz