Isolated in Sydney away from her family and support network, the then 23-year-old mother was left with a newborn - Maximus's twin sister Erica - a three-year-old and an overwhelming urge to harm herself.

"Dealing with that pain, I wanted to hurt myself so I didn't feel anything," she said.

After Ben left, a suicidal Ms Hinton said she called the Defence Community Organisation (DCO), which is the Department of Defence branch created to support military families.

When she asked to access counselling or support, she was told they did not offer that service.

"They just said, 'Use the hospital counsellors' and they were already with other people, so we didn't have anyone," she said.

After contacting the Navy, Ms Hinton said she met a "godsend" chaplain, Russell Smith, but still feels she did not receive enough help from the Department of Defence in her darkest hour.

She is calling for the Royal Commission into Veteran Suicides and Defence to include families in their terms of references, along with veteran-run Queensland property group Axon.

The royal commission was announced by Prime Minister Scott Morrison in April, and feedback on the terms of reference closed on May 21.

The suicide rate among current and former ADF personnel is more than two times the national rate, but Ms Hinton said it wasn't just service people who were struggling.

"I want people to know that when they're going through that kind of thing, that they can to turn to someone and talk to them and not feel like they need to commit suicide. Because it's not just the Defence personnel that are thinking this, it's sometimes the spouses," she said.

After a week of deployment, a grieving Mr Hinton returned to Sydney to be with his family.

In 2019, he was sent to South Korea, but Ms Hinton said she struggled not being able to see him on the flight deck like previous deployments.

"It just rubbed me wrong, I just couldn't deal with it. So I called DCO," she said.

After calling the hotline, Ms Hinton said the operator offered to call and check up on her as she struggled with her husband's latest deployment.

After a few weeks without any contact, she called and asked for check-ins. Ms Hinton said despite being promised, DCO never called back.

"I haven't been really going back to DCO for any help because with the way that I was treated the first two times, with Max and then when Ben was deployed, I didn't feel like talking to them," she said.

Ms Hinton said she has relied on organisations such as Solider On Australia and veteran-run property group Axon.

"I've got the support somewhere else, but it was a little bit upsetting when it's supposed to be someone from DCO that's supposed to support the Defence spouses when the partner is away. But there was none for me and I was alone with two girls and my dogs," she said.

"Defence spouses do definitely get just a little look and then [are] forgotten about."

After meeting her husband online in 2013, Ms Hinton lived with him at Parramatta in Sydney's west for four years.

The chef struggled to find work in the new city and establish connections, but when she moved to Canberra in 2017 she found employment in a childcare centre and a large network of friends.

"When we moved here, I met all of the Defence families around and I didn't feel alone. Whereas in Sydney I felt alone," she said.

In 2019, Ben was deployed to HMAS Hobart, a ship docked in Sydney.

Ms Hinton, who is also studying to be an early childhood teacher, decided to stay in Canberra to keep her employment and community and avoid disrupting the kids' routine.

Her experience working long hours at the crèche while raising children during COVID-19 lockdown in 2020, typifies the hardships of being a Defence partner.

READ MORE:

"It is like being a single mum, it's difficult," she said.

"It's the hardest job because we're not just looking after the house, we are also looking after the children, we're looking after everything while they're away."

Ms Hinton said she wants DCO to offer counselling, arrange meet-ups during weekends outside office hours and provide better information about benefits and deployment for partners.

"The Defence, they're going through a lot overseas, I understand that. But we're also alone ourselves and we need the support," she said.

"With what they're doing now, we need a little bit more than that."

Tamara Turner - general manager of veteran-focused Axon Property - supports the call to open the terms of reference for the royal commission.

Her business helps veterans and ADF members purchase property using their housing entitlements. She said they quickly realised they needed to focus on partners.

"Axon was really focused on helping ADF members to understand their housing entitlements, but then we realised that it's actually the spouses that are the ones at home, [they are] the ones that need to understand it," she said.

In a statement, the Department of Defence said DCO was "always seeking ways to improve its services and support".

"Family support includes a 24-hour Defence Family Helpline, support from a social worker, assistance with partner employment, facilitating access to childcare, assistance for dependants with special needs," a spokesperson said.

"[They also provide] support for Defence community groups, help for families during crisis and emergency, education support for children, and assistance for members and their families who transition from the permanent forces."

This article was amended to include the statement from the Department of Defence.

Our journalists work hard to provide local, up-to-date news to the community. This is how you can continue to access our trusted content: